The first thing you notice about Ashley Tisdale these days is "Whoa, her hair is brown." While fashion magazines can pore over whether or not this means brunette is yet again the new blond, the most striking thing about Ashley's new locks is that, from a distance, she is now a dead ringer for that other Ashley you thought disappeared years ago, Ashlee Simpson.
Ashley T. seems to be fully embracing the Ashlee S. look, complete with the "Pieces of Me"-era lackluster dance moves. Really, Ashleys, you can't just shake your shoulders willy-nilly. Shake 'em like you mean it, like you really want to thrust your... shoulders... into the camera's personal space. But I guess Ashley T. is still too good a Disney girl for that kind of popstar dancing.
Ashley has delegated all responsibility for destroying that good-girl image to her legs, which are fully embracing their new duty. Sure, she's worn booty shorts before, most notably in the "Be Good to Me" video, which I saw three times in one night while babysitting a four year-old Hannah Montana fanatic. I was torn between my desire to cover her eyes, turn off the TV, and/or spontaneously offer up some ice cream to distract her and my desire to make sure I was actually seeing Ashley Tisdale. In booty shorts. On Disney Channel.
My eyes did not deceive me then, not, unfortunately, did they deceive me yesterday when Ashley wore DIY booty shorts apparently made by hacking off the entire legs of an innocent pair of jeans. In case Ashely's quarter-inch inseam was not eye-catching enough already, a white thing peeked out form each pantleg. Were they handkerchiefs? Were her shorts deemed so inappropriate that the producers demanded she wear white spandex underneath? Did she need Icy Hot patches from all the rigorous lackluster-dance workouts? No, it turned out these white fabric flaps covering her upper thighs were her pockets, which had been somehow spared during the butchering of the rest of her jeans. If only they had been cut off and our fashion sensibility had been spared instead.
Note to the world: cutoffs with the pockets hanging out below the hem line are neither alright nor okay.
And that brings us to the song itself. In another apparent attempt to be Ashlee Simpson, "It's Alright, It's Okay" is a piece of crazy catchy pop-punk that's almost saccharine enough to give you a toothache. The lyrics are far from profound, making it the identical cousin of every other semi-former Disney girl breakout attempt that has been released in the past five years. Its thrashing guitars during the chorus are pleasant enough, but halfway through the chorus, you expect it to turn into "So What" by Pink.
It's alright, okay
I'm so much better without you
I won't be sorry...
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight
Every time, I expect her to start singing "So What," and every time she disappoints me.
I know that accusing popstars of ripping off each other's songs leads down a dangerous, slippery slope that even the U.S. legal system dares not tread because halfway to an out-of-court settlement, you realize that there are only so many three chord combinations possible. But really, "It's Alright, It's Okay" sounds like "So What" 's baby sister that tries to replicate her cool older sister's wardrobe with clothes from Club Libby Lu. The result? A toothless yet thrashing girl-powered ode to not needing a man... that utterly lacks conviction.
The song is fun enough to dominate the Radio Disney charts until the Jonas Brothers' new album comes out (oops, too late), but it's still now as good as the best songs from Ashley's last album, to pop gem - okay, that's overstating it; more like sugar crystal - "He Said She Said" and the hilarious piece of ironic social commentary "Not Like That." (excerpt from lyrics: "I'm a normal girl like you who hates clubbing because all those plebes are so effing jealous of my fabulousness")(excerpt may have been paraphrased). I love that song. It's the most danceable piece of ironic social commentary after Millionaires' "Hey Rich Boy" (excerpt from lyrics: Boys if you want girls like me, flash that cash where we can see. You think I want that ice cold money - well, hell yeah, it's fucking yummy!) and Lady Gaga's "Just Dance" (excerpt from lyrics: "I am soooo wasted. Date rape me, Colby!")(Lady Gaga lyrics paraphrased. Millionaires lyrics unaltered.)(No, really, look them up...)(Told you so.)
I'd say Ashley Tisdale's post-High School Musical future is looking even dimmer than Vanessa Hudgens', whose upcoming movie Bandslam looks about as good as any movie whose working title was Rock On! can be expected to look. But hopefully, both these girls' careers will last longer than the cutoff-jeans-with-dangling-pockets look will. Hopefully that look ended, like, right after Ashley's performance.
You can watch the performance and chat with a Good Morning America guy here, at least until ABC catches on to the fact that the person who posted the video probably doesn't own the copyrights to it.
