Stick to the Serenades.

With the Oscars, Chris Brown controversy, Jessica Simpson's weight problems/ugly double belt problems, and, you know, real economic/social/political issues in the world today, you probably have lots of questions and very few answers. So I am going to help by answering a question that I know you have been losing sleep over for weeks: What is Secondhand Serenade's favorite beer to drink while on the road?

Answer: Miller Lite.

I got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to learn the answers to that and similar questions (what else do you drink? tequilas. other fave beers? too many to list.) when my friend won a contest with Hot 99.5 to come to their headquarters and "chill out" with Secondhand Serenade.

In case you did not know, Secondhand Serenade is the stage name of John Vesely, the oh-so-deep artistic genius behind "Fall for You" and many similarly well-orchestrated tunes. My friend and I did not know that when we found out she won, but we had heard the name, and we thought we'd probably try to go. At first, we thought it was just a concert, so we didn't bother checking out his music or anything until Hot 99.5 called her back to say we should come to their headquarters to "chill out." Upon hearing this, we totally freaked and made sure to check out his music, pictures, and life story posthaste.

We decided his music was absolutely, totally, flawlessly brilliant, and we would totally have like-liked him, but he was married with two kids, so we'd settle with just liking him. We also decided that this was a ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY, so our parents had to let us skip 8th period to go. And had to drive us there. And had to take us to Borders to buy his CDs. (Love you, Mom & Dad)...

Our epic adventure began when we got out of our 8th period classes, my friend with a note about a fake doctor's appointment signed by her real mother, me by bargaining with my teacher to let me attend his 5th period class that day during lunch instead of 8th period, because my parents believe school is more important than celebrity encounters, and I believe celebrity encounters are more important than lunch.

Running from school to my dad's car in the church parking lot, my friend's ears nearly got ripped off because the crazy strong wind was blowing against her awesomely large earrings. She was lucky to make it to the car with her earlobes intact. My dad drove us to the headquarters in Rockville, and we were kind of freaking out because we were running late.

We got to the building & went to the 5th floor as directed. I was all prepared with 3 different ID's to show them, and since my friend won the contest, I wasn't even the one whose identity they'd need to verify. But the receptionist gave us NO TROUBLE. She was just like "You here for Secondhand Serenade? Go sit on the couch." So we waited on the couch, along with a twitchy girl who thought she knew someone from our school but couldn't remember who, 2 college students, and 2 college grads who were a bit bitter because they just got fired. All of them wore fashionable black tops and dark skinny jeans, typically with Uggs, and tons of eye make-up. My friend and I felt like we fit right in with our pink & blue tees and total lack of makeup...

Employed or not, everyone on the couches seemed slightly bitter because we were told to arrive at 2:30, and we had to sit on that couch until at least 3:05. I personally was not the least bit bitter because, well, I was at a real radio station lyke OMGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!111 And to add to the coolness, there were two big postal bins filled with CDs on the floor between the couches. I asked what they were for, and a magical light shone down from the heavens saying that all my wishes ever had been granted because they were filled with FREE CDS!!!! I used to dislike Top 40 because it played the same songs like ALL THE TIME, but I have been starting to appreciate the format more in recent months (particularly after realizing that oldies stations just play "I Shot the Sheriff" all the time, and I'll take "Womanizer" over that any day) The generosity of this station really confirmed my belief that Top 40 is not stupid commercial fluff; it is heaven.

I felt like the other girls might think I was rude and shamelessly materialistic if I greedily grabbed a bin and started rifling through it, bringing home half its contents, but I figured they already hated me for my bright blue Pac Sun tee & funky yellow belt, and life is too short to act dignified. I left with 10 CDs in my friend's bag because they couldn't fit in my purse.

After an eternity of boredom for the other girls and bliss for me, we were led up to a conference room on the 6th floor, where they had free Kit Kat bars and stickers. Though not as appealing as CDs played by a real record station, I also think free chocolate is a pretty sweet deal. I restrained myself and only took one. But I also grabbed one of every sticker in sight; the other girls didn't give them a second glance. But I mean, free CDs, candy, AND stickers?? I was really enjoying my experience so far!

While we were waiting in the Kit Kat-filled conference room, my dad was waiting for us in the building's reception area. He saw a bunch of guys go to the elevators, one of whom had a punk haircut and was making really awful noises. Guess who was warming up on his way to perform...

Back in the conference room, the Hot 99.5 peeps were scrambling around trying to find interns to fill the 20 empty chairs in the room, since I guess a few winners decided the prospect of being secondhandedly serenaded wasn't worth taking a long lunch break. Finally, sometime after 3:15, they filled the room and Secondhand Serenade arrived. [We later found out he was late because he just woke up.]

I think Toby (bigshot DJ, in case you're not a Hot 99.5 listener) wanted us to cheer or something, but I personally was too shy & nervous to speak. The other girls may have just been too annoyed at his tardiness to cheer him on...

John (Secondhand Serenade) sat down and promptly asked "Is there any water in this bitch?" I assumed he was acting like a spoiled rock star brat because he thought it was funny and ironic, but I think I'm too inclined to see the good in everyone. Anyways, after getting his water bottle, John asked the audience if we had any questions. We were all either scared or bored out of our minds, so we didn't really, no... So Toby decided to ask us questions. First: who would like to touch John. John said we could touch him. The twitchy girl , one of the unemployed chicks, and I all shyly approached him and touched one of his overly-tattooed arms, cuz why not? John looked seriously freaked out and said he was kidding. It was awkward.

Since offering to let fans touch your tattoos then telling them you didn't actually mean it is not a good conversation starter, Toby offered to let one of us fans sit in the empty chair next to John and "interview" him, because apparently his other back-up guitarist was supposed to sit there but didn't. So Unemployed Chick got to sit next to John.

Unemployed Chick asked John what his favorite song to record was. He said "Pretend" because he was drunk when he wrote and recorded it. Then he told us about how he recorded A Twist in My Story in a big house full of rocker guys who pretty much recorded music and drank beer all day.

I had been planning to ask him about the songwriting process, such as if he writes the music or the lyrics first. I decided that I now knew enough about his recording process and would not like to think about it more, thank you very much.

My back-up question was going to be about how he balances his musical career with spending time with his wife and children. I decided I didn't want to know the answer to this question either, but I was curious as to whether or not anyone else in the room wanted to call Social Services...

A Hot 99.5 employee asked a follow-up question about the whole recording-while-drunk thing: What's your favorite type of beer?

John visibly perked up and rattled off a huge list of beers while my friend and I tried to get our minds around the fact that this guy memorized the names of his top 50 favorite breweries and recited them in the presence of impressionable high school kids. We weren't able to focus on anything he was saying until he finished up by saying that when he's on the road, he's gotta have his Miller Lite.

While answering this question, he was the most excited he looked all day.

He also said he likes tequilas, so if any of us wanted to give him a present...

He didn't need to finish that statement, because we didn't.

Finally, everyone decided to give up on the Q&A charade, and John sang "Fall for You". His voice sounded quite good, and he looked pretty cool. I was almost able to regain the respect I'd held for him and his music until the past few minutes.

Maybe John & the folks at Hot 99.5 thought that we the crowd would be all warmed up & ready to ask some profound questions after his performance, but if so, they were wrong. We were even more dumbfounded than we were when he walked in.

John asked us if any of us were going to his show at the Birchmere that night. No response.

I don't think he truly disliked us until he realized that none of us were going to pay $20 to see him perform. He asked us if we all just won some random radio contest... I think he took our silence as a confirmation of the truth of what he just said.

Another Hot 99.5 employee asked John if he could sing "Like a Knife" for us. He said he'd only sing another song if we would go to his show that night. We still didn't respond, and he played "Your Call"... Not even the song she requested...

After the song, John asked all of us why we weren't going to see his show. Twitchy girl said she would, but she had school the next day. My friend and I agreed. He said he had to get on an airplane at 7:00 the next morning, so he had to get up at 5:00, AND he was going to stay up later partying than we were, so we had no excuse.

I wanted to pull out my phone and ask him to explain that to my dad, but he was pretty much ignoring me.

Unemployed Chick said she'd go if he gave her free tickets. She couldn't afford tickets because she got fired.

John: "What kind of jeans are those?"
Unemployed Chick: "New jeans."
John: "Yeah." (looks at new jeans, top, and blazer) "Yeah, you look like you're really hurting."

John told Unemployed Chick he'd talk to his tour manager about getting her tickets, and this pretty much ended the Q&A.

Even though John clearly did not want to be in the room with us disgusting freaks who were willing to "chill out" with him but not attend his show, he agreed to pose for pictures with everyone while Twitchy girl and Toby bonded by acting weird in front of the camera.

They gave out free posters, which John signed for everyone, and he signed two of the pictures my friend and I printed out to give to our friends. I decided not to keep my poster because I realized that I did not really want a picture of this guy on my wall.

Then John showed everyone the tattoo of a typewriter on his leg. It was actually the coolest tattoo I'd ever seen...

Then John told Unemployed Chick he wouldn't actually talk to his tour manager for her. We all thought he'd been serious... First saying we could touch him, then offering free tickets... Dude needs to be more clear about his sarcasm.

Then John posed for a picture with the Hot 99.5 staff and laughed his head off as Toby grabbed his boobs.

So if one of those burning questions you have was what are some of Secondhand Serenade's favorite things, he likes an assortment of beers, tequila, and men who grab his breasts... What a guy....

If you'd like to see a video of this marvelous day, I believe that if you click here then click on the Stripped videos, you can watch John in all his beer-loving glory. I took a few pictures, but I did not take any videos because we are not allowed to take videos and I am a good kid and I am not lying right now and the only reason I'm not posting the videos is not because I am too lazy to learn to use YouTube; it is because I have no videos... Phew. Gotta be careful what you post on the Internet, kiddos.



I wanted to get a picture of John and Toby together because it's not like you see them together every day...


Okay, he is still a cutie, no matter how much he drinks...


I think he is talking about beer right now. Nothing else would have made him look this animated.


He looked so cool when he sang. It was like he was a different person.


I think part of the reason he looked so cool when he sang was because he did not look at us. I think he was off in his own little world filled with fans who pay money to go to his shows... and beer, of course. Gotta have beer.


Oh, and did I mention he had a whole freakin' lot of tattoos?
We thought he was this nice little rock star who wouldn't be into the whole sex & drugs part of rock n roll, seeing as he has a wife and two kids, but we learned our lesson... My friend says she still loves him. I've gotten over this enough to be able to enjoy his music again, but I can't really respect it the way I used to...

To get out of class, I told my teacher this would be a unique educational opportunity where I would learn so much about the music industry, and I wish he'd asked me what I learned from it because I learned so much more than I bargained for...